So you want to Move to Canada?

Donald Trump is a big scary man, he’s also our Elected President. He’s honest, doesn’t mince words and breaks every preconceived notion of a politician. He’s pushing for a stronger economy, promising to get terrorism and crime under control. He’s also trying to bring back a strong work ethic, which would cut back “entitlements” to the ever growing population of lazy and or uneducated fucks who refuse to work. Naturally reduced crime, having to work for a living and no more “minority interest group” crutch to lean on, Liberals across the USA are scared shitless. So they’re frantically researching How to Move to Canada, our friendly socialist dreamland.

Put your shit in a bag

Packed-Suitcase (1)

The very first thing to do before you move to Canada is pack your stuff. Make sure to wrap your glass pipes, bongs, dildos, rare coffee and french press in bags and newspaper so they don’t break. The studio apartment above the coffee shop should be relatively easy to pack. Canadian beer sucks so pack as much of your craft IPA as possible. Once you’re gone, it’d be nice if you don’t come back. Make sure you pack Justin Beiber and Miley Cyrus. We’re tired of their shit.


Get in the car and drive North

how to move to canada

We’re heading, um north man.

This part is really easy. Find the highway, it’s the road without bike lanes, and make sure the sign says North. If you go the other way you’ll be in mexico and may find a real job being a drug mule for El Chapo. It beats collecting welfare or working the hipster coffee shop with a stupid yet catchy name. When you get to customs, tell them you’re a liberal american and want to move to Canada because Donald Trump took your college “Safe Zone” away and your feelings might get hurt if you stay any longer. Be sure to also film this encounter and post the video how the border patrol unlawfully detained you and asked hard questions that made you feel unsafe. Everyone loves a victim, even if they’re the asshole with a camera who fabricated the entire encounter to begin with.

Plan your Sickness at Least 6 months Ahead

When you move to Canada you will be excited to know they have “free” healthcare. The Government takes care of this crap for you. So even if you’re a homeless bum, pissing on the subway stairs, you can get treated… as long as you know you’ll fall ill or break your leg in 6 months. That’s right. Canadian healthcare is notorious for extremely long waits just to see the doctor. You’re better off seeing the local herbalist in the dusty alley basement than a real doctor. But don’t worry, it’s all free.

Income tax is pretty low too!! For salaries under $45k/yr you’ll “only” pay 15%. Since one US dollar is roughly $1.35 this comes down to roughly $33k a year… Provincial income tax is confusing as shit so let’s ballpark it between 7% and 17%. The more you make the more you get taxed, “TAX THE RICH!”, not that you’ll need to worry, but incomes over $100k (Canadian dollar here) can be taxed upwards of 40-50%.

Canada is Cold as Hell


Finally your crochet skills are useful

Not that your atheist mind cares about hell or anything, it’s a saying, get over yourself and stop talking about how you hate made up Gods to kiss ass too…

Whew, ok, now that your lecture about how it’s foolish to “need a make believe deity to be moral and good to others” and how you don’t need to kiss an imaginary beings ass to be a good person” proving that you sort of do and you’re a dick, let’s get back to things. Your move to Canada, which is really FAR North is cold. Really cold. July heat waves are about 60-70 degrees.

I can't come to work this month, everything Froze.

I can’t come to work this month, everything Froze.

So move there in June, give up your passport quick and dig in before winter. There’s not many homeless in Canada because they’re all either frozen solid in the winter, or they fled to San Francisco. So if you are still jobless by winter, no worries, you’ll die of “exposure”.

Witcher 3 Bloody Baron

Fuck ya’ll

Wrapping up. Thank you for your interest in how to move to Canada. I’m glad that Donald Trump’s future presidency is that terrifying to you and looks like President Trump’s initial plan of cleaning up the welfare and entitlements system is pure genius as it is self cleaning already. That wall keeping you from crossing back? Canada built it. Pretty isn’t it?